Green river disaster strikes resulting in sketchy evacuation

Quinn Rabinak, staff writer

On Wednesday March 17 the tradition of dying the city’s river green known by most Chicagoians led to a disaster causing thousands of people to evacuate from their homes. The chemical known as Patricphynume was accidentally mistaken for the green dye, and was poured into the Chicago city river. 

Patricphynume, also known as the leprechaun effect, utilizes radiation to be an industrial strength cleaner that is exclusively used in factories after its popularity increased since the pandemic. Patricphynume’s radiation, while harmless to machinery, can cause mutations in humans. The radiation in the chemical can cause peoples’ tounges to shrivel up giving them an Irish sounding accent, their eyes to turn to a green tint, and their hair to become a ginger color. Because of those side effects many call the chemical the leprechaun effect. 

Chicago citizen Patrick S’day was an eyewitness and claims he heard the people on the boat releasing the chemicals scream with an Irish accent. 

“They sounded like leprechauns,” S’day said. 

Others eye witnesses have said that the people have turned into leprechauns, which we cannot confirm to be true due to no testing with such a high amount of the chemical in humans. 

Chicago Mayor Moe Nebags ordered an immediate evacuation of all Chicago citizens due to, “the city being unable to pay reparations for any more victims of the chemicals.” 

Needless to say the city of Chicago is in a state of emergency here. 

Some concerned Chicago citizens theorize that this was planned by the city due to the location of the chemicals in the first place. April Sloof, leader of the Chicago city theorist community, claimed this to be true.

“Chicago Leaders wanted this to happen, they wanted a disaster to happen that would force us to evacuate,” Sloof said, “The chemical isn’t even real. They’re lying to us so they can go into our homes while we’ve evacuated to steal our valuables and sell them to repay the city’s debt.” 

With city leaders as well as citizens panicked it will no doubt take a lot of cleaning and clarification if Chicago ever hopes to recover from this travesty.