The wait is over, and the class of 2021 finally has answers


They aren’t, however, the answers they had originally wanted.

At a board meeting on March 11, Superintendent Tubby Two-shoes made an official statement regarding the reason for the junior class and below’s iPads being still locked, after an initial promise that they would open to the free world after completing a certain digital literacy course.

“We’ve all done it before,” Two-shoes said. “Locked a lock and forgot the key. That’s the same case here, only we’ve lost the key for 1,500 students. It’s your classic face-palm moment. Could have happened to anyone.”

The key, of course, being a password, that would in theory undo the restrictions placed on the iPads, which currently prohibit the use of apps, changing wallpapers and any other features that may inadvertently induce pleasure. The password was originally set by Two-shoes and four other administrators, but none of them had made the decision to note it down afterwards.

Of course, one solution would just be to reset the password. Unfortunately, Two-shoes had set the security question to be “What is your wife’s birthday?” and he is unaware of such trivial information. Scared of asking her, however, he has refrained from finding out, and the district is at a stalemate.

“You’re not the one that has to go home and ask her the question,” Two-shoes said. “Get this mic out of my face, I’m done.” 

Two-shoes has since denied any follow-up means of comment.

The student body is outraged, drawing up a petition to get the superintendent to ask his wife her birthday, and another one which would have a group of students just each guess which one it is until they break through.

“We learn about the Boston Tea Party and the American Revolution, where people fought against their injustices,” freshman Krissy Raccoon said. “Now it’s our turn, but we’re actually fighting for something that matters, like Flappy Golf.”

The one class that isn’t bothered? The seniors.

“Nah, let them keep it locked,” senior Chase Callahan-Smith said. “They probably have to go to bed super early anyway. Hahahaha. Get it. Cause they’re like, babies.”