New atriums added as part of new school disciplinary measures

Connor Wielgos

  If one is unable to distinguish a clear understanding of where one is, there’s a solid chance they’re in the newly installed atriums in BG. These atriums, unable to be found by any casual passerby, are a part of a new initiative by the Heads of the Student Health, Wealth, Balance, Romance, Advancement, Management, Deportment and Events department. 

            This new disciplinary initiative, approved by secret ballot at an undated Board of Education meeting, has intricacies that are largely classified. However, new details have come to light in a leaked report obtained via the District’s lenient FOIA policy. 

         “As a student, I’ve always been concerned about what happens in these atriums,” sophomore Barry A. Fraid said. “Of course, I’ve heard the rumors. But the names of them seem so palatable.”

         The names, of course, are the ‘Great Underclassmen Luxury Accommodation Group’ and the ‘Junior’s Advanced Internment Lounge.’ These names represent the unfound atrium #4 and #5. Despite the names, students involved in the experience have issued complaints.

        “It’s important for students to understand that they need to sacrifice basic constitutional rights to get an education,” former dean Dean Higgins said. “Every student familiar with New Jersey v. T.L.O. and Hazelwood v. Kuhlmeier should know we have all the justification we need.”

        Students found guilty by school rule enforcement are now required to bypass the usual detention area in order to enter the unmarked room serving as a jury box. After being given a short amount of time to offer a plea, they’re inevitably blindfolded and led to a dark room. These rooms are none other than the new atriums themselves.

        “When I was led in, I was amazed by how wonderful it smelled,” sophomore Conn. Vict said. “Then, the incense burned away and the stench began to rise. It was so bad. I can only explain it as Indiana-esque.”

Disgruntled students have taken up a set of movements they genuinely believe will help. For example, an online petition to end the new initiative has been circulated, and a sit-in has been planned to block major arteries of the school hallways.

           “All in all, we feel like we’re just another brick in the wall,” Vict said. “Slowly our liberties have been placed in a dark, enclosed room, the descriptions of which often are nonsensical.”

           Administrators, however, have fired back at the students act of vague, unproductive acts of rebellion. Complaints have been disregarded as the school gears up for a quick battle against the disorganized attempts at criticism by the student body.

           “It’s critical, and I’m sure any parent would agree, that we have more order than liberty,” Higgins said. “As professional disciplinaries, we try our best to avoid obtaining what we in the business call a ‘Dukakis reputation’.”

           Undeterred, students will continue their movement. That is, until administrators send an email to parents and block from the school WiFi.

           “First they came for the Loft, and I didn’t say anything. Then, they came for the library, and I didn’t say anything,” Fraid said. “Now, we’re coming for the atriums, and no one will be around to care.”