School start time moved up to before sunrise


A surplus of students, staff, and parents have been pushing for school to start later, and the school board has finally had enough. After a fifteen hour meeting, the school board had ultimately won the case. The result of this hearing has created a nation-wide outburst, in which BG high school students will suffer from a school day starting at five in the morning.

According to the head of the Buffalo Grove Education, School, Learning, and Other Affairs Committee for Youth and Other People That Might Care (BGESLOACYOPTMC), Dr. Doofenshmirtz, the only reason for changing the start time for school was out of a place of anger and revenge.

“If everyone wasn’t so needy I would probably have pushed back the starting time, but that’s not my problem,” Doofenshmirtz said.

The response from this schedule change in other schools around the country has been no less than chaotic, as protests have started to become less peaceful. The protest methods include but are not limited to: moving mattresses into classrooms, setting off fire alarms to keep students awake, distributing coffee, blankets, pillows, and teddy bears outside the school doors, and even “sleep fighting”, a tactic in which students are violent as they sleep through class.

Although it may feel like there is no way of surviving this, there is hope. Studies show that it is possible to wake up on time for class through the use of positive reinforcement. An “underground” scientist Will Nye described how students can fight this need to sleep in.

“In order to successfully wake up in time for school, it is important to create a positive mindset. The most successful methods to achieve this are dad jokes, Minion Valentine’s Day cards, Cars, Cars 2, Cars 3, and most importantly, listening to the Scooby Doo theme song on repeat when falling asleep,” Nye said.

This may be a challenge, but by following Nye’s advice and initiating peaceful protests, it is possible that BG will survive this. We must power through this tragedy, and prove to Doofenshmirtz that we aren’t needy, we’re just kids.